It’s finally done

After almost 11 months, it’s finally over. After a mess of break-ups and getting back together, this relationship has finally been put to rest. I am grieving its loss, but I know it is for the best. I have never had a relationship as tumultuous, so I feel that it is better to let it go than stay unhappy. We had great times, but the not-so-great times didn’t make up for them. On hindsight, we gave up because neither of us could compromise, and it was too stressful to stay together. But I still love him. And that won’t change…unless I find out that our fights weren’t really over our differences, but rather a will to be unencumbered. I don’t know what he feels for me, but if people could change and we could listen to each other, I would be open to trying again. I don’t think I will actually be over him until I understand why we broke up, but I have no closure in this case, so healing will take a long time.

Goodbye

All I ever wanted was for him to hold me tight

To say that everything would be okay

To be the one who’d be there

When no thing was going right

And tell me the he loved me anyway.

Could I have been more giving?

Could I have been less vain?

Yes of course

But I wanted him to love me anyway.

Because he liked my good sides

And refused to love my flaws,

We couldn’t fit together

And I would up on all fours.

The trauma of a breakup

Is only beaten by

The fact he refused to care when I stood to say goodbye.

Catharsis…again

The jury’s out. And yes, I do fall in love too quickly. I did it again. With someone else.  And we broke up on our 4  month anniversary. As it turns out celebrities, aren’t the only ones with short relationships.

We met under strange circumstances, and clicked instantly. We broke up because I didn’t feel respected enough. Granted, when someone swears at you via e-mail and text, regardless of the circumstances, it seems like there’s a certain lack of respect in that relationship. If they’re hurt because you walked out on them (and there may still be a chance of you ‘walking back in’), how prudent is it to use that technique?

But I am admittedly selective, shall I say? We broke up (on the face of it) over him not telling me where he was going as he drove off down the street. “Why couldn’t you just ask?”, you ask?

“Why couldn’t he just have the courtesy to say?” is my response. And I’ve never had that sort of problem with anyone else. We usually decide where we’re going before we take off. I don’t like putting my life in anyone else’s hands, but as a passenger you tend to accept it. As a passenger, though, I am not passive enough to let other people determine my course – I always like to have a say in (when, where, if) I am going. After four months, you’d think we’d both know that. Or maybe we’d both care.

Ultimately, we weren’t suited to each other. We were on different levels of the “Hierarchy of Needs” triangle, so to speak. And whenever that happens, there is a lot of cross-talk over the medium when the signals for the language of love are being transferred.

All I wanted was for him to make a reasoned effort to understand why I was angry, and not to swear at me and say he “hadn’t done anything wrong”. He was asking for a reason I was upset. I wasn’t giving one. But I’m not sure whether in his mind, he was trying to find out why I had broken up with him or whether I had. Now, we’ve gone past the point of no return. We’ve even turned civil.

“I will always love you, whether I like you or not.”

“I love you too. I’m sorry I’m not perfect.”

“Don’t worry. Neither am I. Otherwise we would be perfect together :”D”

Too soon?

Wired

That’s just how they’re wired.

Not high strung or lazy cats.

Some people are hard wired

With their version of the facts.

You’ll argue till you bleed

And they’re still not taking heed.

‘Cos that’s just how they’re wired.

And YOU’RE not changing that.

Where are we now?

From my brain to yours

There’s a disconnect

And we just can’t get along

I yell and scream to reach you

But you just can’t see what’s wrong.

Like two ships in the night

With their captains shouting

Against the wind, it seems.

Were the good times we had together

Just a short and fading dream?

He looked through me

I fell in love
Once again too soon
And I thought we were both
Over the moon
With genuine feelings
Love and respect
And rapidly firing intellect

But I came to learn
It was all a lie
He was in love
With her…
Not I.
And ‘we’ were just
To make a point.
And yet another talking point.

“I have a girlfriend”
He said to her
“Will that be okay?”
It wasn’t with me –
The fact he asked,
But I plodded on,
Loved him anyway.

“Be true to her”
She said to him
I grimaced at the thought.
But when he said to me
That final day,
“She said to love you as I ought”
I couldn’t stay.
I had to leave.
Our whole world was a lie.
What would he have done
If she had told him to,
Would he have said goodbye?

“I did not ask her permission”
He lied through kissing lips
But when she hurt
He relished it
Not ‘us’, so my heart rips.

I’m sure he called her
To share the news
And ‘heartbreak’ for her sympathy.
I stumbled into a whirlwind mess.
Stupid, dizzy, crazy me.

When you let it all come out

When you let it all come out
You can scream and yell and shout
But when it finally hits you
You’re just engulfed in doubt.

You’re not worth the air you’re breathing
You’re a crumpled nervous wreck
And if anyone cared to do so
They’d confirm it when they checked.

You lied to me
You rabid dog
You heartless
Scheming pig

You lied to me
But I closed my eyes
I’m to blame – a fickle fig.

I believed you
I believed your truth –
Vile stupidity.
I was so afraid to lose you.
But you? Never to lose me.

“You’re not enough”
You told me
Over and o’er again.

I refused to cry
But always
Stood
In the pouring rain
To hide my tears
As your knife of lies
Struck my beating heart.
You were bad to me.
I admit it.
Now I’ll reset.
And restart.

I take back my life.
I take back my pride.
I take back my beating heart.

Trying to live my dream

Trying to live my dream

But life is getting in the way

Trying to live my dream

So I will finally want to stay

Not kill myself

Because I hate

And try to turn away

Not shut all out

And be a hermit

Who’ll come out one day

 

Trying to live my dream

But people all have their demands

Their greedy pockets

Hungry bellies

Untamed wandering hands

I play along because I need them

“No one walks alone”

But I don’t want to live the rat race

Just be left unknown.

 

For if they know, they’ll ask

And if they ask, I’ll do

I can’t say no

So please don’t start

I can’t say no to you

 

My life is built ’round giving

Too much of myself

But now it hurts

I want to stop

Will I land on life’s bottom shelf?

 

I fear so what would happen

If I lived just to my will.

I want to try

But fear to fail.

Is there some time left still?

From Somebody to nobody

I used to be Somebody
To my family
When I was a baby
Small
Cute
Somewhat innocent.

I used to be Somebody
To the teachers
Who thought I would
Be Somebody “in future”

I used to be Somebody
Who had achieved feats
Worthy of admiration
Because I did better
Than was expected of me
Because
Not much was.

But I didn’t know
That I was only
Somebody
Because nobody
Was Trying.

I didn’t know
That I was Somebody
Because
Everybody
Was comfortable
Being Nobody.

One day
I realised
That being Nobody was okay.
No thunderbolts would emerge
From the sky
Targeting Nobody.
Nobody could point fingers.

And then I shrunk
Below average
And became Nobody.
Somebody almost called me out on it.
But Nobody did.

So now, I am invisible.
Nobody sees me.
Nobody hears me.
And…being Nobody,
I hear myself.
I see myself.

But I walk through life
Without a purpose.

“But Nobody has a purpose”.
I do indeed. But I don’t…can’t…won’t work to achieve it.
I am Nobody.

Nobody does anything.
Nobody does everything.
Nobody cares.
Nobody cares…about me.

And since I now am Nobody,
That’s very true.

False Start

If I am just an animal

Like a bear, or cat, or fish

Can I take this ‘gift’ of life

And mould it

Just as I so wish?

Can I be free

Just as a bird

Or uncommitted chimp?

What role have I in society?

Can I make a hive

And be Queen Bee?

Have we locked ourselves

Eternally

In rat races

And in chains

Invisible but fast and binding

Explained away by ‘growing pains’.

What is our end

If we choose to “make it”

As “superior beings”?

Just dust to dust

Ashes to ashes

Like other living things?

Have we created such complexity

That we’ve made a grave mistake

So that natural selection

Cannot its selection make?

What happens when we want too much

And our Earth, as host, can’t match it?

Where’s our safety net

When our system fails

And who’ll be there

To catch it?