Trying to live my dream

Trying to live my dream

But life is getting in the way

Trying to live my dream

So I will finally want to stay

Not kill myself

Because I hate

And try to turn away

Not shut all out

And be a hermit

Who’ll come out one day

 

Trying to live my dream

But people all have their demands

Their greedy pockets

Hungry bellies

Untamed wandering hands

I play along because I need them

“No one walks alone”

But I don’t want to live the rat race

Just be left unknown.

 

For if they know, they’ll ask

And if they ask, I’ll do

I can’t say no

So please don’t start

I can’t say no to you

 

My life is built ’round giving

Too much of myself

But now it hurts

I want to stop

Will I land on life’s bottom shelf?

 

I fear so what would happen

If I lived just to my will.

I want to try

But fear to fail.

Is there some time left still?

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From Somebody to nobody

I used to be Somebody
To my family
When I was a baby
Small
Cute
Somewhat innocent.

I used to be Somebody
To the teachers
Who thought I would
Be Somebody “in future”

I used to be Somebody
Who had achieved feats
Worthy of admiration
Because I did better
Than was expected of me
Because
Not much was.

But I didn’t know
That I was only
Somebody
Because nobody
Was Trying.

I didn’t know
That I was Somebody
Because
Everybody
Was comfortable
Being Nobody.

One day
I realised
That being Nobody was okay.
No thunderbolts would emerge
From the sky
Targeting Nobody.
Nobody could point fingers.

And then I shrunk
Below average
And became Nobody.
Somebody almost called me out on it.
But Nobody did.

So now, I am invisible.
Nobody sees me.
Nobody hears me.
And…being Nobody,
I hear myself.
I see myself.

But I walk through life
Without a purpose.

“But Nobody has a purpose”.
I do indeed. But I don’t…can’t…won’t work to achieve it.
I am Nobody.

Nobody does anything.
Nobody does everything.
Nobody cares.
Nobody cares…about me.

And since I now am Nobody,
That’s very true.

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False Start

If I am just an animal

Like a bear, or cat, or fish

Can I take this ‘gift’ of life

And mould it

Just as I so wish?

Can I be free

Just as a bird

Or uncommitted chimp?

What role have I in society?

Can I make a hive

And be Queen Bee?

Have we locked ourselves

Eternally

In rat races

And in chains

Invisible but fast and binding

Explained away by ‘growing pains’.

What is our end

If we choose to “make it”

As “superior beings”?

Just dust to dust

Ashes to ashes

Like other living things?

Have we created such complexity

That we’ve made a grave mistake

So that natural selection

Cannot its selection make?

What happens when we want too much

And our Earth, as host, can’t match it?

Where’s our safety net

When our system fails

And who’ll be there

To catch it?

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Reflective Pause

Why do we pretend
From day to day
That life matters
And goes on?
Why do we pretend
From day to day
That what we do
Will stay when we’re gone?

The evil that men do
Will stay and plague you too
But if it’s good
Just as it should be
It doesn’t matter. Sad but true.

Why do we pretend
That what I say
Will matter when I leave?
Why pretend that life’s
More than a magician
With a squirming rabbit up his sleeve?

Why do we pretend
We’re making serious lives for us and ours?
When we’re gone
The charade goes on
But what’s the point of those long hours?

We’re not much more than half-smart apes
Who eat and drink and poop.
Don’t know why we’re here
Or when we’ll go
But continue to live life
Even so.

If I dropped out of life today
No one would give a shit.
We’re just a herd of animals.
Whose bodies go on till they quit.

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Sinking

Sinking at 50

That’s where I am

A milestone post is due.

But now at 50

I’m at a loss.

What am I supposed to do?

It’s been 4 years since I first signed on,

And sadly I’m still here.

Should I live the life that I’ve missed so long

Or just grow older each year?

Do I determine my destiny

Or has it been decided for me?

Why sit on the fringes as life goes on

When I just can’t hear its song?

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Yet another rant

I’ve been in one place far too long
More than a year, it’s true
I have wanderlust
That I can’t get over, round or even through.

I’ve served my term
I’ve done my bit
It’s time now to move on
To something else
But now I wonder
What else could go wrong?

There’s so much bad bad energy
In me and around
I know I’m to blame
But I just can’t seem
To get on solid ground

Each day’s a chore
I withdraw some more
Into my rotting core
I want to pull myself back out
But I can’t say what for.

What’s the next step?
What’s the next big thing?
What am I here to do?
I can’t tell, and so that’s why
I’ll take it out on you.

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7 days of madness

I don’t have voices inside my head
At least that’s what the voices said
They were not there
They did not speak
My brain was fine,
It did not leak.

But I hear them talk to me all the time
“It’s called a consicence”, I hear them chime.
“Don’t run away
Don’t turn your back
We’ll fill you in
On what you lack”.

My conscience is loud
It torments me
I can’t keep it quiet
Strange, you see
When others go about
Ten times worse than me
And can still sleep
Quite easily.

I feel I’m lost
And all alone
I don’t want to be
In this miserable zone

But I can’t get out
I feel I’m trapped
In this blanket
Of long bad days.
So wrapped.

It’s Saturday now
The weekend starts
But my underbelly’s
Still full of warts

On Sunday I have heartburn, see
Because on Monday
I’ll stop being me.
The rat race continues
over again.
7 days of madness.
7 days…of pain.

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